


progress

by cherubi



Series: Of All the Little Things [3]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherubi/pseuds/cherubi
Summary: "You need space?""No... No, I, I think I need the opposite."





	progress

"Fuck you! I don't need you to preach to me how awful I am because I already know, alright? I know I'm a stain to your reputation, to the Brotherhood, to life it-fucking-self. Not all of us can be the perfect little tin can you are, Paladin Dick. So just- Just go away!"

It ended up like this more nights than not lately. As much as Danse hated to see it, the reality of their lives was that Cirrus was getting more and more reactive to small annoyances, more confrontational about things that could be left to sort themselves out. Cirrus's words stung, stung like a stingwing's venomous jab, but he wasn't going to push him away. Not tonight, at least.

They'd been reading together, something they rarely had time for with the imminent attack on the Railroad, when Cirrus started shifting like he did when he was emotionally uncomfortable. It started small, little things like picking at his nails, building up to twitching his leg. Danse put down the book when he stood up. He took to pacing, which was better than him throwing glasses against the wall and screaming until his throat bled. The thing about his triggers were they weren't all obvious and not even Cirrus himself knew what all of them were, but it was obvious something set him off. Whether it was the book, the position they were laying in, or Danse himself, he'd find out later.

Danse tried to hug him, which in retrospect was the worst possible move he could have made because Cirrus wasn't having it and took a swing at his face. Worse than that though, was after pulling his punch at the last second, he looked even more furious and, well, horrified than he did before. He'd scrambled to the bedroom and barricaded the door as quickly as Danse had ever seen him do anything.

"I'm not going anywhere. You're lashing out because you want to hurt me like you're hurting, I understand that. What I need you to understand is I'm here for you, through this, through everything. Because I care about you. Because I know you care about me. You're my best friend and I'm not going away even if you lash out at me. It's not what you want me to say right now but it's what you need to hear. You don't have to let me in but I'm still not going away." 

"I hate you. I hate you so much. You're so self-righteous and you're a bitch and I fucking hate you and I know you think about leaving whether you say so or not because I'm not worth it and you know it and y-you're just here because I manipulated you into thinking I'm a good person and It's all too fucking much, alright! It's too much and I don't know how to feel like this and, and, and..."

"It's okay, you don't-"

"No! It's not okay, Danse! It's not okay, I'm not okay, I wish I could just fucking stop existing. I can't even be your friend right! I hit you..."

"While you were having a panic attack. I'm more than capable of taking you out if you present a real threat to me. You pulled it anyway, it was barely a tap, you know that."

"That doesn't make it right. I fucking threw a punch at you. That's... not right..."

He was getting less responsive and Danse couldn't tell from his tone if it was for better or worse. Sometimes, when Cirrus got quiet it meant he'd calmed down some, other times it meant he'd shut down. Neither had ever happened this fast after an argument, if it could truly be called that, so this was new territory. Knowing him as well as he did, there was an even shot of it being a lapse in progress rather than a forward step. 

"Maybe not, but you're more important to me right now. Please, talk to me."

"We are talking."

"Cirrus, I'm not leaving. You're going to have to accept that. If you want me to give you some space, fine, but I'm not leaving you." 

Seconds of heavy silence followed, then a nearly silent huff of air, before the sound of metal desk legs scraping concrete buzzed through the room. Danse hadn't expected him to be ready to face him this soon, but, it was indeed _progress._ In the not-so-distant past, Cirrus was known to disappear for a day or two, even a week before eventually making his way back to him. Months of that pattern had gotten him used to his habits; this was a surprise, if a good one. Cirrus might always struggle with his memories but he wouldn't have to do it alone as long as he had a say in the matter. As bad as his track record was with relationships, Danse wasn't going to let this one slip through his fingers because of his own hang ups about emotional vulnerability.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"You're not leaving me." 

"No, not until you want me to."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Cirrus wouldn't look him in the eye, but Danse didn't need him to. He could feel the sincerity behind the words, knew he at least partially believed them, knew he could feel his own sincerity back. 

"She had the same shoes. Nora. The woman in the book was wearing the same shoes as she was when..."

"Oh. Oh. I'm s-"

"Don't say it."

Danse never claimed his strong suit was comfort and this was new, Cirrus opening up about what was hurting him. He never really had before. He knew about his wife in a tangential way, but not for lack of him trying. Neither of them knew how to handle feelings in a way that didn't involve massive amounts of blood and clean up afterward. Saying sorry to things he had never experienced but felt sympathy for was his go-to response, and he didn't know what else do to except offer to be there in whatever way Cirrus needed.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"You're not letting me push you away."

"You need space?"

"No...No, I, I think I need the opposite."

 _Progress._ Things weren't ever going to be perfect, but maybe they could be better.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [Tumblr](http://cherubi.tumblr.com).


End file.
